The Social Security Administration is Evil

The Social Security Administration is evil. I am beginning to think they are Satan personified. I have never had to deal with anyone or anything with such a lack of regard for people. How do those people sleep at night? How can they hold their heads up and live their lives knowing what they are doing to people?

What brought on this latest rant of mine?  More bad news. I just got an email from the hosting company for my website, TravelsOklahoma. My annual payment to keep my website up and running is due this Thursday and we don't have the money to pay it. Not only is a source of income for my family, it is also my "baby." I put a lot of time and effort into building it from scratch. Every word on the site is mine. Every photo is a picture I took myself. And, it will all be gone on Thursday.

I have no idea why I got out my denial today, but I did. I read it all. The judge wrote that I had doctors refuse to treat to because I was too sick for them to take care of me. Despite this, I am well enough to work. How sick do you have to be for a doctor not to treat you? Better yet, how sick do you have to be to get disability? Obviously, I'm too sick for doctors to treat, but not sick enough to be considered disabled. It is almost funny.

The judge also said I could work because my daughter could help me with everything I needed to do when I go home from work. That is a joke. My daughter was barely four at the time. Does Social Security really expect a child that age to help much? Do they expect me to keep her from being a child and make her take care of me?

Then I got to the part that explained the different jobs I could do despite my medical problems. All of them were in factories - sheet metal, sewing and the like. Who would want me to work next to them knowing I was taking 400 mgs of Lyrica a day, 30 mgs of Valium, 100 mgs of Darvocet plus the Requip and my anti-depressant? That would not be a safe environment for me or my co-workers. Of course, there is Maisie, my service dog. The Americans With Disabilities Act says that employers must make "reasonable accommodations" for a service dog. According to the sheet metal unions I've called (several in each of the different time zones), it isn't reasonable for them to provide Maisie with protective foot covering, ear protection, a hard hat and all the other things she would need to be safe in a factory setting.

How stupid can the Social Security Administration truly be? It boggles the mind. It is more than I can comprehend. Then again, maybe I could understand it if I wasn't in the middle of an anxiety attack and one of the saddest depressions I've ever been in.

Of course, I know I do some writing online to make money. That is working. Sort of. Not enough to support my family. I can write online, maybe, 10 per week. And, that is a good week. The money from my online writing helps, but it won't keep the wolf from the door. Speaking of that...

This Wednesday, at midnight, our internet and cable will be turned off.  Due to lack of payment, obviously. I have gotten every extension possible, but they won't work with me anymore. The paycheck my husband got last Friday was only for one day. After taxes, it might be enough to get him back and forth to work until his next payday on Friday. Not only will I not be able to write online, the cable will be turned off. I understand that cable is a luxury for most. However, we live in the middle of nowhere; without cable, we do not have any channels. Please keep in mind we live in Oklahoma. This is tornado season. And, wildfires are popping up all over the state. Having cable is a safety issue for us.

Please explain why everything falls apart at once? Why is it necessary that I always be a day late and a dollar short? Better yet, find a reasonable explanation for why Social Security denied me my disability.

All of this makes me even madder. If Social Security had done the right thing - the legal thing according to their rules and not denied me my disability, we wouldn't be in this situation. I know why they are doing it. They are wanting things to get so bad that I am forced to go back to work. I've already been down that road. I tried going back to work. I lasted four days. Those weren't even eight hour days; I was sent home early every day because my supervisor could see the pain I was in. The last day he sent me home, he told me not to come back until I had a release from my doctor. I never got the release.

What are we suppose to do? We are so close to living under bridge it scares us. Our landlord called around for us, looking for homeless shelters because we are so far behind on our rent. When he learned homeless shelters didn't have to accept service dogs, he said he wouldn't evict us unless he could find a shelter to take us. We can't keep living here, paying next to nothing for rent. That isn't fair to him. He deserves to get paid.

I deserve to get paid as well! I worked from the time I was graduated high school until a couple years AFTER I shouldn't have been working anymore. I paid into Social Security with every hour I worked. That money is mine and I should get it. They are stealing from me! And, my daughter!

I am so mad. And sad. And scared. We can't keep going on like this. Every senator and congressperson I have is involved in my disability case. The governor even wrote a letter on my behalf. I have sent in disconnect notices and the paperwork from landlord stating how much I owed in back rent, hoping for a "hardships appeal." It falls on deaf ears.

I am doing what I am suppose to be doing, but Social Security isn't doing what they should be doing. I know my God is bigger than all these problems and the Social Security Administration. I know things are in His hands. I am expecting a miracle. I have to have a miracle! I need help. I need help now. I can't believe that in just a few days, I won't have anyway of making a little extra money writing online and that I won't know when a tornado or wildfire is close by. I can't believe I'm going to lose the website I created over just a few dollars.

My heart is breaking. And, the guilt isn't helping matters. Yes, I feel guilty about all the complaining I do. I know there are a lot of people in worse shape than I am in and I should be thankful. I am thankful for all that I have - I just wish what little I do have wasn't being taken away from me because of the Social Security Administration.

In a Funk: Why Do They Call It "Depression?"

The past couple of days have been rough on me; depression is not fun. I hate it when I get depressed. I feel as if nothing will ever go my away again. I know it isn't true. The "self-absorbed pity party" isn't my thing, but I still suffer from depression no matter how I fight it. I'm the type of person that "choices to laugh" and when I hit the "depression wall," laughing doesn't feel like an option.

I've tried all sorts of medications for my depression. They don't work. They only make me more tired, more sluggish and more confused. I don't think there is a pill that can make my sadness go away. How can an anti-depressant help me not to feel sad that it hurts when my daughter hugs me? How can an anti-depressant make me not feel sad when I see all the hair in the tub after I wash it? How can an anti-depressant make me not feel sad as I struggle to fit into extra large sweatpants?

Of course, my mother's method to getting over depression only makes matters worse. "Think of people in worse shape than you are in and you'll feel better," she suggests. Who would ever think that would work? Thinking of the homeless, the hungry and the people who are sicker than I am only makes my depression worse.

Searching for my "happy place" is just as depressing. Rainbows and fluffy bunnies? That is not my style. I am a realist. As a realist, I know that depression is real and I have it. I have to deal with my depression one day at a time. I cry my eyes out, yell at a train and do what I can to move on. How else can you deal with depression?

I only have a couple of bouts of depression a week, so it isn't like I am depressed all the time. I have my "semi-happy" moments as well. I can't say that I have "totally happy moments" anymore. It is hard to be completely when you hurt all the time, the bills are past due and the hand life dealt you isn't very good. I just make the best of it and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Tomorrow will be better. I tell myself that all the time. It will be better because it means today is over and will never come back. I try to hold on to little things like that. Not sure if it helps with the depression, but I know there is always hope - no matter how depressed I may be.